Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
