Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im six kinds of drunk right now
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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