I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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