You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
