Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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