i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
