Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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