9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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