It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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