I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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