Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i came on her dog
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
