god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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