The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
