College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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