So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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