The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
