Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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