I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
