its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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