I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
