listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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