I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
