I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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