Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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