ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
