i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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