last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
