Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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