I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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