its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize