just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
