Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
