I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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