At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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