We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize