I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
