I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
