so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
