And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
