I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize