Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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