Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
