I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize