i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize