Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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