oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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