you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
