I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
