just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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