Got a toothbrush?
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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