walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
