I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
