I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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