woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize