Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
