I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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