she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
