He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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