Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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