I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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