Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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