Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
