Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
